RECENT POLITICAL PUNCHLINES AND PAWOL JETTAY

It’s great being Labour.  No matter how you mess up, you can’t possibly do worse than the last government and any little thing you do really does prove that you re 100% better than  them.

Some funny shit said on the official platform.  And at least one very stupid thing utter by an otherwise intelligent ma. Well, maybe more than one. Enjoy.

HAROLD “Paka Pwen Tout” DALSON:

You heard Chastanet talking endless foolishness on the radio. Lies upon lies, like the man talking steroids to lie.

He is worse than Hurricane Tomas. (CAPTION for image of Tomas: Tomas For UWP Leader SLOGAN: I’ll Cause Less Damage Than Chastanet”)

I will invite the leader of the UWP to a session and take any of the kids of my colleagues in government to teach him a course in leadership.

He’s crying, “I want to cut the ribbon x 3.” At the next election, I will cut him from politics. I will send him in political doldrums. As long as he comes up in Soufriere,  he is doomed. Let him go and get a job to bag groceries at one of the J’s.

On facebook he asked ten questions. I want to answer all ten. But we’re putting a big system on the square in Soufriere and I will answer all ten questions in English and Kweyol and I will give him ten questions for him to answer in English and Kweyol. The day he’s ready, tell him I’m ready.

It’s a crying shame for a rich man to take poor people’s money to pay for his election campaign.

I’m going to send Chastanet to an after school program in Soufriere  so they can teach him some kweyol.

 

RKL

THERE is a very good discussion going on in this  country. A discussion that says we want to have discussions on education, we want to discuss issues. That is what the SLP is about. To give the people the right to discuss the issues they want to discuss.

We’ve always had discussions in this country, but the discussion was always one-sided. This country is about saying we want discussion on issues. I, as a parliamentarian, try to discuss issues in this country and I don’t see it discussed in the press of this country. We only discuss the issues the press wants to discuss. Education is about allowing people to discuss issues.

I have my problems. I discuss issues, I argue with Dr Anthony. But I think the way he has characterized is unfair.

 

ALVA ON ALBA

What is the problem with that?

(Editor’s unsolicited commentary: The problem. Um? Iran, their training of ALBA troops and their using ALBA to further their nuclear ambitions? Maybe?  No? You don’t think so?)

 

PJP

Life is strange. Jordi jour Flambea pa vle Labour vin assou Market Steps la. You mean to tell me for years we have spoken on the Market Steps, the university of the Market Steps. And tonight because the Labour Party decde we are going to go the Market Steps all hell break loose. Tout moun ka barbiay. “Blahblahblah (in high pitched voice) You won’t talk about national issues. Hold a press conference.”

They are desperate. They think they can pluck somebody from the sky even though they lose election and they don’t have any seat to run, you will take your leader, you will treat him badly and you will just rise and everybody will just say, “You reach? Ti Jezi wiviay!”

ON FLAMBEAU’S  FOREIGN RELATIONS GENIUS: Remember that the UWP was boasting that Libya would build a bank for us? That there would be endless investment. Look at what happened in Libya. You ever hear that happened in Venezuela or Bolivia? But they believe that we stupid.

ON CHASTANET’S TOURISTIC GENIUS AND MAJESTY: In 2006/11 we spent more money (on tourism marketing) than we ever spent in history and look at the results. Compare that to 2012/13, you will there is an increase of 5% in arrivals and we spent less money. Because we do not waste money on telephone calls!

But that is not in the national interest. The national interest is Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.

ON CHASTANET PARTY CRASHING OF THE OPENING OF BRIDGE: A desperate man begging, ‘invite me. Y’all eh invite me? Invite me.’ (In high pitched voice)

 

 

KENNY

From day one when we got into office, there was this issue of extra-judicial killings.When the visa of a senior police officer was revoked, this  government took action. We were not afraid. We invited the US to come to do polygraph tests, because we decided that no police officer will be promoted to the senior ranks without lie detector tests. Mweh kweh mweh kai mettay Chastanet en bas sa, tan

If they want to debate ALBA, tell them to put a motion before the House. How is me to tell them what to do?

 

IS HAROLD DALSON JUST POSING AS THE UNDERDOG?

ALLEN CHASTANET'S LITTLE DAVID PREPARES TO TAKE HIM TO HIS WATERLOO

That unapologetic accent.

That sometime-ish relationship with verb conjugation.

Boug Bwa, Turtle, Winner

His unmitigated truthfulness to himself and where he comes from. Of course, it all comes off as hilarious to St Lucian voters, who divide their leaders neatly in the classically educated (John, George, Vaughan, Kenny) and the Neg Marrons (Ol Man Bousquet, Cecil Lay and now, Harold Dalson). But unlike most of the boug bwa MPees before him, Harold Dalson is a card carrying intellectual. As Allen Chastanet found out, just because a university education filed to bleach out the Soufriere in his  speech, doesn’t make him a clown.

But it sure does make him sound like one. And we are begin to suspect that Dalson likes it that way.

Which brings us to the point. Is  Harold Dalson playing the boug bwa clownster on purpose? Is  he monopolizing the underdog territory? Using reverse psychology to transform what has turned others into a laughing stock into a stealth tactic that cripples opponents?

Consider this.

Harold Dalson has beaten 'sweeter' sounding candidates twice. The first time he was one of only two new Labour candidates to survive the party’s defeat in the 2006 polls. The second time, he beat the future leader of the UWP, Allen Chastanet. In advance,  so to speak. Chastanet had ten times more money to spend than Dalson. But Dalson, with his high pitched voice and deep Kontree accent, simply played the underdog, a David facing off against a Goliath. You know who won that fight. (To play on another old fable, doesn’t Dalson actually look like the steady old tortoise from THE TORTOISE & THE HARE? He does, doesn't he?)

Laugh still, Rabbit. Torti creeping....

 

It looks like Dalson is fighting against the odds all the time. But really, the first time, his government was in power and the second time, he was going up against someone who is the exact opposite of what he is. Or rather looks like. Harold Dalson is just as,  if not more educated than Allen Chastanet. You have to have a masters to be a principal and teachers, as we all know, out rank all other professionals of the same rank by virtue of being THE MOST IMPORTANT PROFESSION IN THE WORLD. So not only is he more roots, he is also more ivory tower and his profession is the most respectable.

You see, Harold Dalson is not operating at a disadvantage with his comical accent and tortoise face.  He has, in fact, used those very attributes to prove that he is more representative of people, by nature, than Allen Chastanet.

OMG!!! The Kracken!!!

 

He has also proven that he can slay that Jab la Mer once. Just because the Kracken (as the Jab la  Mer likes to call himself cause  he doesn't like Kweyol) is coming back in a new incarnation as leader of the UWP doesn’t mean Dalson can’t do it again. In fact, that probably gives him more pep, thinking that his party is relying on him to behead the UWP.

It’s something that black-tellectuals, middle classers and cultural aliens like Chastanet don’t understand about Neg Marrons like Dalson. Because you laughed at their funny accent, because you wrote them off as clowns and golliwogs, they have something to prove. They have to prove  they are as good as or better than you. The role of the underdog is natural to them. (You want to ruin a good Neg, make him feel like the master.) Dalson has been playing this to the hilt, and  Chastanet, through no fault of  his own, has fallen into doing exactly what makes Dalson stronger – he tries to  overwhelm, outspend and overrun him.

Poor Chas.

Everyone knows the only way to beat a Neg is to beat a path through the bush to places no real white man has ever gone before. Chas can visit those places physically, but the truth is, deep down inside where it counts, he really can’t 'go there.' He just can't get as far into the people's psyche.

What were we saying about Dalson being the underdog,  again? Oh right. He's just playing one. Chastanet didn't give  him the value for money in the last election campaign, so he's setting up to  really make  some mileage on the naïve little  rich boy this  time. This time around,  Dalson is going to get to take down the leader of the UWP. After that, his prestige goes through the roof and everyone will remember just how serious, how powerful and how dangerous the comical,  funny sounding Harold Dalson really is.

Lol

 

 

COPS TACKLING EVERYTHING…EXCEPT DIRTY COPS

THIS POST IS ENTIRELY SATIRICAL AND NOT MEANT TO BE FACTUAL IN ANY WAY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS,  LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Who the cap fit...

 

 

Texting while driving. Crazy homeless fellas living under bridges. Transporting marijuana in a tough economic time.

These are the  pressing issues that St Lucian cops are focused on even while they are under pressure from the US State Department to give up the bloodless killers in their midst. Over the last few weeks, the local cops have been out in full force, making their presence felt in communities and  in the media, reminding everyone that in spite of the nasty allegations hanging over their heads, they are still the ass-kickers in chief and the biggest dicks in a 500 mile radius.

“People often accuse us of using excessive force to compensate for small penises and total ignorance of the law,” one high ranking officer told The FLOGG. “That is totally incorrect. Most cops have reasonably large penises although to be truthful, competitive alcoholism has deteriorated the quality of the stock if you know what I mean. As for ignorance of the law, we know the law like the back of our BONDIEUX! WHAT’S THAT ON MY KNUCKLES?”

The officer declined to comment on how he was so well acquainted with the penises of other policeman.

Meanwhile, marine police, often written off as some of the most corrupt of all police officers were busy harassing homeless man who lived under the Sans Souci bridge and making a big marijuana bust even as tons and tons of cocaine floated into the island right before their very eyes.

“We have to show people we have priorities,” said a leading marine unit cop. “Even though our priorities are totally wrong, it’s important that the nation sees us doing something, anything so that  they stop thinking about that fact that we are basically the same as slave catchers from the days of slavery, when all poor people were basically considered the enemy.”

Homeless man living under bridge: Public Enemy #1

Sky was like, "No, wait, are they serious? Where is he going to go? They didn't think of that?"

 

Ironically, a photographer who was taking pictures of marine cops doing the wrong thing by the Sans Souci bridge was manhandled and his camera violently taken from him in front of witnesses, defeating the entire purpose of the exercise - being seen. Sigh.

“We was just playing garcon,” the cops grinned sheepishly afterwards, “Y’all kyah take a joke man?”

Meanwhile, both Lucians and American authorities continue to be unimpressed.

“But we in the Royal St Lucia Police Force have learnt over the years that you can’t please everybody. You don’t shoot the criminals, Jouk Bois is on your case. You shoot the criminals, Mary Francis is in your ass. So fuck that. We doing what we want. We’re public servants so nobody cannot fire us anyway. So Lucians better buck  up and get with the program otherwise they’re going to get their asses kicked just for the lols. We’re so stressed these days that a little police brutality at the end of the working day is the only thing we have to relieve the stress.”

 

The RSLPF: Making niggaz suffer since 1744

SLAP, POW, CHOKE, LUCIAN COPS BRING BACK TRADITIONAL STRESS RELIEF

After a decade long effort to improve community relations and evolve from Neanderthals into some kind of homo erectus, St Lucian police are turning back to well loved traditional policing methods like slapping,  choking, beating, cursing and spitting on citizens.



It's just a Carnival, officer. Why you have to come ready for terrorists?

While international human rights agencies were in St Lucia in early to mid-September, trying to teach local cops the basics of human rights (like for example how to spell it), Lucian cops were out in full force doing the exact opposite of learning to spell human rights.

Who needs human rights anyway, right?

“Human rights were not originally meant for everyone,” said one highly evolved officer. “They were meant for civilized people who can appreciate them. The world just went overboard with human rights after some guy named Hitler killed a few  Jews, in order to scare crazy tyrants. But St Lucians are not civilized and so human rights don’t realistically apply to them. It’s just not appropriate for cops to treat Lucians as anything more than subhuman slaves. Like horses, except less valuable.”

The recent stresses on the police force, caused mainly by their own corruption, bloodlust and lawlessness have not given cops any reason to reconsider their current SLAPCHOKEKILL policy toward St Lucians, especially poor people,  ghetto youths, the mentally ill, young men, black people, homeless people, dreads and of course, anyone who looks like they can take a punch without calling a goddam lawyer.

Lucians, meanwhile, have been very co-operative, assisting police in their stress-relief efforts. For the most part, they have turned the other cheek and not complained until  cops were far out of ear shot. Also, cops have escaped all criminal liability for their actions.

“It’s very good to see Lucians co-operating so closely with the cops,” said a gazetted officer. “You see that’s the way it should be. Under the last commissioner there was this stupid idea that people could love  and trust the cops. But as we can clearly see the relationship between police and the public should be one of fear, hate and mutual mistrust. Without these negative emotions to guide us, our entire society falls apart.”

Highly decorated, most intelligent officer in the RSPLF. Tipped to be future commissioner.

 

 

 

IS WLBL SERIOUS ABOUT UNDER-AGED DRINKING?

Green Synergy: Profiting from underaged drinking since nineteen ninety naught!

The answer is 'No.'  Obviously  not.

Two years ago, a Caribbean-wide study showed that St Lucian teens were among the worst abusers of alcohol in the region. Worse yet, it showed that St Lucian teens were more likely to be abusive drinkers for life than just about any other island in the Caribbean, including Wommier Headquarters, Trinidad and Tobago.

We don't support underaged alcoholism, we just profit from it.

 

A youth magazine  approached  WLBL's Shelly Black, along with other members of the Alcoholic Beverage Association about doing something to help curb teenage drinking.  Instead of throwing resources at the opportunity, the alcohol dealers told the  magazine to come up with a plan that does not in any way impute them in teen alcoholism in any way.

From the alcohol dealers' point of view, they are not in any way responsible  for teen alcoholism. There are laws to prevent the sale of alcohol to minors.  Not to mention that parents, teachers, communities  and churches have failed in their responsibility to young people.

All true.

However, during the 2013 HEINEKEN Green Synergy events, it was clear that WLBL did not care enough about teen drinking to prevent under aged  people from entering the event.

Does this mean that WLBL encourages teen drinking because teens are the single biggest demographic group. Does it mean that WLBL is deliberately working on turning Lucian teens into a bunch of wommiers before they reach the age of  maturity.

Not necessarily.

But if they had enforced a no-minors rule  at the door, there would be zero  chance that minors would be caught on camera, drinking alcohol at their premiere event. Unfortunately they didn't. And so now, The FLOGG presents LIL KIDS@GREEN SYNERGY.

For the record, WLBL did take some measures against teen drinking. Over and over, the MC could be heard telling the crowd, "Remember, minors are not allowed to purchase or  drink alcohol." Which is wrong on so many levels. I mean, if no one checked ID at the gate, you think anyone is going to check ID at the bar? You shouldn't have let them in to begin with. But we know why you did.

We know why you did.

Dumb ass cops didn't get no order so they let the kids into the booze  party. Couyons!

After they brought her to the DJ Wommier Dance, they're well giving her rum to drink again.

As for this one. She's like nine or eleven. Whose dysfunctional conscience let her in the dance?

Don't take your picture? Too late for that.

To be fair, this boy was drinking one of those deadly energy drinks, not alcohol. Phew!

And what's in that cup, Shelley? Kool-Aid? Fruta? You don't feel the least bit responsible for this?

THE GREATEST LUCIAN PRIME MINISTERS OF THE NEAR FUTURE

JULIAN HUNTE 

JRH: Why is this man not Prime Minister?

What wouldn’t we give for Julian Hunte to be young and in excellent health right now? What we wouldn’t give for him to have the energy to put on his bandana, roll up his sleeves and get to work? Julian Hunte was one of the few people in St Lucian politics who achieved anything in his personal life. He wasn’t the greatest strategist in the world, allowing himself to be outflanked by Compton, who basically ran a government of Castries reps while Hunte’s Labour won all the rest of the island. But in the post-Compton world, isn’t Julian Hunte exactly what we need? A compassionate business man with no ideology, lots of practical experience, a good international reputation and a real record of putting his money where his mouth is. What wouldn’t we give for a Hunte comeback? What do you say, Mr Hunte?

EDSEL EDMUNDS

The only problem is winning you a seat.

Although he is one of St Lucia’s most brilliant scientists (yes, there are more) Edsel Edmunds became famous, not for discovering that a microscopic vampire worm that was sucking the blood out of the banana industry but for being the head of the OAS for so long that people forgot he was a brilliant scientist who saved an industry. Compton flirted with the idea of grooming Edmunds as his successor upon his return to politics, but the political scene in Flambeau was too dirty for a bona fide good guy. Edmunds like international contacts coming out of his ears and stuck in his freakish Mormon-style beard and the discipline, work ethic and respect that anyone would want out of a leader. He might need someone to help him win a seat, but so did Kenny Anthony when he first got out of the ivory tower and touched the ground at Hewanorra Airport in 2006.

MIKEY PILGRIM 

He has less hair  now, but we're not voting for his hair.

Someone once said that Mikey Pilgrim is the only ex-communist in the entire world who knew a damned thing about finance and economics. This may not be perfectly true (see Angela Merkel), but it does point to the fact that Pilgrim is one of the few people anyone knows personally who both has a detailed understand of the complex obeah of the finance world AND a well developed social conscience. Most good politicians can only manage a lot of one and a lot of the other. Most average politicians don’t even know what the hell I’m talking about right now. They think I’m just high. Couyons.

DWIGHT VENNER

Becoming prime minister would be a demotion for him.

If God was a party delegate, he would nominate Sir K. Dwight Venner for political leadership. But God don’t give a damn about human politics, no matter what Richard Frederick and Guy Joseph try to tell you. And so, Sir Dwight spends his days signing dollar bills (lmao) and trying to keep Eastern Caribbean leaders from doing the stupid things they actually think of. Venner, like Pilgrim, has the detailed understanding of finance and economics and has the only thing that can be better than a social conscience – the Christian conscience. At least, I think he does. I’ve never asked him, but you know the kind of people who just look and feel like they love and respect God? That’s Venner.

HENRY CHARLES

The only  reason  he's politically blacklisted is that he's dangerously good at winning.

Henry Charles may not be a financial wizard or foreign relations guru but he has one strong point over all the geniuses aforementioned. Henry Charles can win any election challenge that he accepts. He truly understands how what is in the heart of men translates into votes and power. He understands the power of compassion and caring and how to harness that power to rush those who oppose the revolution. Oh. Um, did I mention that he’s an excellent ex-communist who has no problem giving America the finger? Right. Okay. Not a strong point. But I did say that Charlo is one of the most astute players of the political game. And he is one of the few political players who has bested John Compton in battle (the mid-90s strikes). He is also one of the few politicians who is authentically 'ghetto'. He knows the science of moving people, unlike most of the rest of the gamblers in the political game. And anyone who says Charlo is corrupt or that he doesn’t have what it takes is lying to you. They are afraid of what he can do. They know that Charlo can change an otherwise intractable situation by spending a couple of hours on a street corner talking to people while they have to hide while they strategize and plot ways out of their own mistakes. And did I mention that he can win any election challenge he is presented with? Yes. Yes I did.

PHILIP PIERRE

Most men in his position would have slit some throats already

The only reason why this man is not at the top of the list is because  he doesn't want to be there. The humble, but politically aggressive deputy to the Prime Minister has made little of his political acumen and downplayed any prime ministerial ambitions anyone else has for him. But Philip Pierre is pissing me off by allowing people to think he’s not prime ministerial material. Instead he spends his energies defending his chosen leader and making absolutely sure that there is NO CHANCE of Labour having a break down. To his detractors, he’s a stammering attack dog who seized the deputy leadership of the party back when the chips were down and competition was not strong. To his secret admirers, however, Philip Pierre is one of those honestly smart politicians who doesn’t have to boast his masters degree to prove his achievements. And finally, friends in Flambeau might glad to know that if Philip Pierre were Prime Minister, we would not be as deep geo-political dog shit as we are today. Alva Baptiste and the rest of the goddam Chinese communist children in Cabinet would have to cool their fucking noodles and let the PM make a sensible decision.

Hey Kenny, you really think these guys are better than us?

 

Better than you, for sure.

 

TIME TO SHOOT THE COPS

 (WITH YOUR CAMERAS)

Try it, officer. It does wonders for unreasonable anger.

St Lucian cops need to smoke a fucking joint, chill and stop taking their waj out on ordinary citizens otherwise they are going to get shot.

With cameras.

Not firearms. Of course not. Who in their right minds would want to shoot a cop? People only say that for effect. Right, fellas? Fellas....? Seems like I'm on my own here.

In any case, firearms are for weak hearts who don’t know how to fight and know they’re going to lose. Like dirty cops who take money from drug dealers to kill bad boys. Hypothetically speaking, of course. I would never imply that dirty cops took the bounty on the head of the island’s most notorious hitmen during Operation Restore Confidence. Why would I do that? That would be crazy.

Cops rolling a joint so they can chill out and stop brutalizing people.

What I am doing is answering the question WHO WATCHES THE WATCHERS. The answer is, “We must. Because no one else will.”

If we don’t monitor people in authority, like cops, they will be vulnerable to abuses of power. They will test the boundaries of what is possible and learn how to not feel the least bit stressed about betraying the people who give them power. After all, they are only human. And not even the best or brightest ones.

Still playing the good guy? A bit late for that, don't you think?

Not that I’m saying St Lucian cops abused their powers. That’s the Americans saying that. Or rather, the Americans acting on what Kenny Anthony reported to them while he was in opposition. (Pa mweh ki di’y, yo ki di’y, etc, etc. By the way, does anyone know how to say et cetera in kweyol?)

The FLOGG is calling on all St Lucians to have their cameras ready at all times to take pictures and video of police in the course of their duty. From now on, St Lucian cops are the stars of the show. St Lucians are well within their rights to take photos and video of police, unless they are conducting completely secret operations. Any cops who are afraid of getting their picture taken or having video of themselves working are probably dirty and deserve to be exposed.

If these bad asses aren't afraid of the camera, why are some cops so paranoid about journalists? Hmmm...

Any cop who is clean has nothing to fear from a harmless little camera. In fact, for a clean cop, every camera is an opportunity to prove to the world how great St Lucian cops are. For the clean cop, a camera is a welcome advertisement.

For the dirty cop, a camera is a gun pointed to his tiny balls.

Which leads to the unscentific, but somehow true conclusion that any cop who is afraid of a camera is a dirty son of a bitch. (Are you offended, Commissioner? What's that? Can't hear you.)

The FLOGG cautions all those recording the work of cops to be extremely careful. The FLOGG has no intention of asking Lucians to make cops lablani them on pavements and force them to eat their noses. The last thing we want is for cops to treat you the way the marine police treated us when we tried to get pics of them moving a homeless man from under the Sans Souci bridge.

Do not confront the cops. Do not provoke them. If possible, try to record them without being detected. If you cannot prevent detection, remember to be polite, no matter how they try to provoke you to be an asshole. That’s one of their main tricks.  There is no law against a police officer cursing you out, but there is a law against being disrespectful to an officer of the law, no matter how much corruption he has done, how wicked he is and how bad his breath smells.

(For real, after this whole US Visa Scandal, cops really have to work on the bad breath. Especially, SSU, drug squad and rapid response.)