HOW TO DESTROY THE CANCER THAT IS KILLING SLAP
The phone
rings. I’m surprised. I didn’t even know I existed, much less that I had a
phone. Or that there were people who knew the number.
Being a
fictitious portmanteau of characters created by Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming,
you can imagine my surprise when I got a call from the most dangerous blogger
in Bouton, Jason Sifflet and assigned to investigate and report on a curious
facebook phenomenon that calls itself Amatus Edwards, amongst other things.
If it looks like a Flambeau and talks like a Flambeau and goes to Flambeau Conventions to support Allen Chastanet... It's probably just Amatus... |
I have no
media experience or training, zero creative writing experience and like most
right thinking people, I have no interest whatsoever in who or what an Amatus
Edwards is, far less what it claims to be.
I tried to
decline, but Sifflet insisted. I tried to interest him in my more conventional
skills. Perhaps I could use my martial arts training to give Edwards a taste of
his own medicine. Perhaps I could make him my bitch.
But Sifflet
would have none of it. Edwards was an expert in self-matyrdom. Sifflet didn’t
want him dead or hurt. Sifflet wanted him destroyed.
Upon
encountering the creature in its Facebook form, I immediately understood the
danger to St Lucian national security.
Most honest
political operatives (Jadia Jn,Pierre, Angel Brouet, Melanius Alphonse, Frank
Charles, etc) make no bones about who or what they are. They openly practice
what we, in the intelligence community, call Active Measures.
Most masked
political operatives try to use their fake identities to cover the fact
that their nefarious doings are, in fact, Active Measures. Stupid, I know. And yet Paul Ward wants us to believe he's real.
Amatus
Edwards is, at first glance (and upon deeper inspection), the most insidious of
all political operatives. He uses his real identity as a GENUINELY FAKE PERSON
to pass off propaganda, misinformation, real data, plain bullshit, other people’s
intelligence and other Active Measures as unbiased, objective academia.
And then, he
uses jargon and a retarded version of sarcasm to pass himself off as the
smartest person in the dumb-assed argument.
But, it gets
darker than that.
NO MORE MAGIC
BULLETS: A BRIEF HISTORY OF AGENDA SETTING
In the
Kafkaesque, absurdly amoral space where news media meets counter-intelligence
there developed in the 1950s and 60s a technique called Agenda Setting.
Amatus
Edwards, it seems, has mastered this nefarious form of Mind Fu, without even
knowing such a thing exists. Like the kung fu student in the Shaolin movies who
learnt the secret kung fu style but didn’t complete the training, he is dangerously
well-informed and ill-trained.
Amatus practicing MIND FU on members of SLAP |
A classic
case of ‘a little education….’
The great
thing about Agenda setting is that the people who are going to follow you don’t
even have to agree with you. All they have to do is engage you. Once they do,
you win.
In fact, the
more they disagree with you the more certain you can be that you have them in
your thrall.
And that is
all you need.
You see,
attention is a limited resource. It obeys the laws of conservation of matter
and energy. You can’t create attention. You have to take it from somewhere and
transform it into what you want.
You begin to
understand the danger of THE AMATUS AGENDA now.
Before
Agenda Setting, the morons who accidentally invented Western Civilization
thought that print and broadcast messages worked like magic bullets: You fire
your message at the audience and they all swallow it, unquestioningly. Like Homer Simpson watching
ads for beer.
By the time
the 1960s rolled around, both first and second world illuminati had accepted
that real life was more complicated than that.
Humans,
especially the ignorant ones, were unpredictably thoughtful. And history had
shown that no matter how you discipline and control the bodies of men, one
random free thought from an illiterate slave was all it took to send entire
empires into disarray and all its neighbors into intractable chaos.
Both the
West and Khrushchev’s USSR veered immediately into the dangerous world of
Agenda Setting where instead of telling people what to think, they would
control them by telling them what to think ABOUT.
In this way,
people got to feel like they were free, agreeing and disagreeing with you on
the subjects that you and ONLY YOU can bring to the table.
Everything
else? Forget about it. Irrelevant details.
It would
have worked too, if not for those pesky Beatniks.
When
Kerouac, Ginsberg, Burroughs and the rest of the genius-homo-junkies started
dropping acid and disassociating words, America and the West experienced some
unexpected social turbulence.
It took
decades for the master races to master a world in which they kinda controlled
the subject matter and had no control over the opinions.
The Soviets
sacked Khrushchev and his replacement, Brezhnev,
retired Khrushchev’s half-free
experiments and brought back Stalinism with a fervor that would have made Old
Joey proud.
LOOOOOSEEERRRRRSSSSS.......... |
In the long
run, however, the West’s chaotic experiments with controlling thought with
Agenda Setting in the media, in universities, in finance, business and
technology paid off. It finally proved superior to the Soviets’ total lack of
freedom even before the internet spilled out of the military into academia,
commerce and porn.
The West was
able to control and harness people while making them feel free and happy. The
communist human resource, meanwhile, became the enemy of the state, cannibalizing
the corpse of communism in an orgy of capitalist corruption that continues to
this day.
By the time
the internet hit the world like irrigation for the desert of the individual human
mind, the West was well-schooled in Agenda Setting.
Meanwhile,
Russia suffers political shockwaves every time Pussy Riot holds a concert that
no one attends. Pathetic.
In short,
the West learnt to harness dissent while the Soviets learnt that ‘every day the
bucket goes to the well…one day the bottom a go drop out.’ Dissent is like
water. Either you use it or you lose. If you try to contain it, it WILL break
you.
And your
mother. And your fascist friends. And your dog.
Herein lies
the retarded genius of Amatus Edwards.
MIND FU: THE
ART OF FUCKING WITH PEOPLE’S BRAINS
Allow me to
explain. In little St Lucia, Amatus Edwards has used some of the most sinister
mind control techniques of the 20th century to make everyone talk
about what he is talking about.
1. HE HAS MASTERED HIS OWN SELF IDENTITY
(AMONGST OTHERS): First he wasn’t a Flambeau, he was unbiased. Then he was outted
by a troublesome blogger and now he’s a bloodless partisan ‘schooled in
macro-economics.’ Efforts to paint him as a wife-beater succeeded in making him
more of a martyr than he already thinks he is. It’s like trying to kill a
cockroach in the corner with a very big boot.
What do you get when you cross a scapegoat with a cockroach? |
2. HE DOMINATES S.L.A.P.’S AGENDA: St
Lucia’s most intelligent facebook group might be Not for Party But Country. The
most popular might be Da Majority (so says Nigel Shamori Whatever). But the
hottest is S.L.A.P. And almost every day, Amatus Edwards succeeds in producing
at least one post that makes people talk about whatever he wants them to take
about.
3. HE HAS MADE HIMSELF UBIQUITOUS: Amatus Edwards is like a sleepless Maji Noir
in a cyber-world where it is always night. (I think everyone can agree that he
is a bit of a dick hanging from the ceiling, raping you psychologically in your
worst nightmares.)Up at 3am? Amatus is there. Come on for lunch, there he is.
Home at six? More Amatus. It’s as though he’s following Stalin’s directive to
monitor, if not gather, every single grain of political sand. In the 21st
century, that amounts to being a big MAKO JWA. But he doesn’t care, because
that shit works. It really does. Every question you ask is a three pointer
before he even answers you. Every follow up comment you make gives him a
penalty kick on your brain.
4. HE DELIBERATELY MAKES HIMSELF A
LIGHTNING ROD TO SAVE CHASTANET’S STUPID ASS: Some people thinking that hating
on Amatus is a kind of practice for punch lines they’ll use of UWP leader Allen
Chastanet. But political punch lines are made of a light form of hate and hate,
unlike love doesn’t multiply. It must be manufactured. Hence, every time you
waste your hate on Amatus Edwards, you have less of it to spend on his sugar
daddy, Allen Chastanet.
5. SOUNDS, AT FIRST, LIKE SOMEONE TO BE
TAKEN SERIOUSLY: By a combination of spouting jargon, misinterpreting other
people’s research and having no shame, Amatus Edwards manages to look, to the
newcomer, like an innocent trying to make sense, while partisan berate him.
Most people who come to SLAP never comment. They lurk. We will never know how
many of these lurkers buy Amatus’ story. To some of them, he might be a voice
crying in the wilderness.
6. CANNOT BE HUMIATED: I know. I said
that already. But there’s more. A lot of people thought that Edwards didn’t
want to be known as a Flambeau out of shame. But he has no shame. A review of
his personal archives has proven that Amatus is shameless and joined Flambeau
only because he was exposed and now, he wants some of the $29 million in
Taiwanese funds that no one can find.
IN
CONCLUSION
The research
has shown that once you engage Amatus, you have lost the game.
You are
going to think ABOUT what he wants. Talk about what he wants. Write about what
he wants. He’s successfully distracting you from more useful enterprises like
doing your nails, throwing out the garbage and twiddling your thumbs. He is
successfully making you think about an Allen Chastanet government. No matter
how much you hate the idea, he’s making you think it. And even though you know
it’s ridiculous, you still do what he wants. He’s tenderizing your brain.
Seasoning you for the cannibal Flambeau. There is nothing you can do.
Except….
RECOMMENDATIONS:
HOW TO DESTROY AMATUS
Remember Rick
Wayne? No? He used to be the most important, most powerful journalist in St
Lucia. But he went on a trip, vilifying Kenny Anthony in favor of Richard
Frederick, Allen Chastanet, Guy Joseph, Rufus Bousquet and rest of Ali Baba’s
closest friends.
Labourites
hated him for it. Then, they got tired of hating him and started ignoring him. Then,
he went away. His talk show disappeared. His newspaper is not sure if it still
exists. He’s now Timothy Poleon’s unpaid sidekick on the lunchtime radio talk shows.
He pays for his own call to the show and Tim makes tea and surf the net while
he talks, hoping secretly that he will go away. Everyone who still speaks with
him secretly wishes (in vain) that he would end the conversation. Why? Because
Labour ignored him to death.
And so, what
shall you do with Amatus?
1. IGNORE HIM, DUH!: When he comes on,
don’t say a word. Some, if not most of his posts will die horrible,
ignominious, unreported deaths. When he sees no one responding to him but Paul
Ward and Carlton A Smith, his shit will shiver inside him.
2. POUR COLD WATER: If any of his posts gather
steam, pour cold water. Rather than addressing his content, address his
hypocrisy.
3. SHOOT THE DAMNED MESSENGER: This is a
last resort and must not be done recklessly. The problem with the last facebook
assassination attempt on Amatus Edwards was that it looked like a facebook
assassination. You can’t be seen looking like some paid mercenary. When you
snipe him from the trees, shoot him in his ass, not the head. Make everyone
laughs at him. Be polite, calm and thoughtful as you metaphorically pull his pants
down and throw him from the top of a tall building into the cactus of his own
prickly reasoning.
4. If he doesn’t seem to piss himself
when you throw him from the metaphorical tall building, fire an FB bomb that
says, “He probably pissed himself when I threw him from the top of the building….”
It will seem truer than the truth and no matter what he says in reply, it will
make more people laugh at him.
5. RIDICULE HIM RANDOMLY, NOT
RELENTLESSLY: Paying no attention to what anyone has said on his post, make a
joke at his expense that EVERYONE including his wife, can laugh at. Do this
regularly, but not too frequently that people get bored of it. Make it like a
special occasion. Dress up. Chill Champagne. Call your friends. Then, FLOGG
Amatus.
6. MOST IMPORTANTLY: If he posts
something that actually interests you or that you MUST reply to, take his
charts and PDFs, make your own post and bring the discussion to you. When he
shows up at your post of his stuff, ignore him so hard that he will think no
one can read his posts. Even though you are discussing what he wants you to,
you will be doing it on your terms, not his.
7. Don’t throw stones if you live in a
glass house. Amatus is in deep shit because he has secrets that his enemies use
again him. Live your own life as though everything was going to be published
and broadcast and recorded for all time. Be the same in dark and light, in
solace and in company.
FINALLY…
This is not
really a recommendation. It’s kinda like a voice from the sky or the grave or something.
The voice of Gandhi and MLK and Mandela and them fellas.
It’s saying:
“Instead of letting Amatus set the agenda, instead of ignoring him to death and
making him get no notifications, likes or comments, how about killing him with
love?
How about
recognizing that Amatus Edwards is a powerful, if misguided, intelligence. How
about instead of answering his stupid posts, we reset the agenda by asking
him honest questions that require honest
answers. Catch him off guard and ask him honest questions. Set his agenda. Keep
him busy working on what we want.
Perhaps then
he might stop being the malevolent little shit that he is and might evolve into
the best possible version of Amatus Edwards that this world can sustain.
Let us make
our own posts where we seek his wisdom, however much of it he has left.
It will be
like the most loving, gentle hijacking in history.
What do you
say? Are you ready to give Amatus
Edwards some tough love?
I am.
Although,
frankly speaking, I’m really drunk. I don’t usually drink but I had to. It
really stresses me out the things I found out about that guy during this
investigation.
“Loving
Amatus….”?
I MUST be
drunk.
De rum dat
do me dat.
Poor Amatus Edward he must be thinking:You're the most fantastic piece of salopte that has ever slipped out between the rounded bottom of the Pitons.
ReplyDeleteNow that, my friend, was high class pawol jettay. I'm so proud of you...
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