Thursday, 2 January 2014


It is not easy being the coolest person in the world. Generally speaking, you will end up dying young. If you don’t kill yourself (Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain et al), they will kill you (Jesus Christ, Martin Luther King et al).
Same old Troublemaker...

Over the course of the last few millennia, it has been established in history, legend and myth that God, while exceedingly displeased with the human race, will tolerate all kinds of nonsense in order to let one good person live.

Over the course of the last few decades, a boy named Troublemaker was that person. Now that Nelson Mandela has left this life, somebody better step up and impress the Lord. Otherwise, it’s the end of the world, for sure, this time.

So who do you think is going to fill the void? I don’t know, but here comes the coolest Pope ever, I wonder what he’s up to…

Someone on facebook compared Mandela to Elijah and suggested that Obama could be his Elisha.

I scoffed.

But Obama really is one of the people who could inherit and expand on Obama’s legacy.

And of course, there’s that Burmese woman Aung Saan Suu Kyi who defied an entire military dictatorship for decades without once spilling blood.

But, I’m flirting with the issue.  Let’s make a list.
Only thing let for him to be is canonized...
OBAMA: He ain’t no Baby Jesus and he’s more politician than activist, but he’s young and there’s nothing like being a former President of the United States of America to help you get big things done in a relaxed and effective manner. While his recent lies about Obamacare have revealed a something of his character, he’s still the number one orator in the world, a rank he won on the day Mandela stopped talking. Bill Clinton wasn't exactly Mr "I chopped down the cherry tree" either when he was six years in office.

Obama trying to make out with Suu Kyi

It's like Martin Luther King was reborn as an Asian girl...
AUNG SANG SUU KYI: She was arrested for exercising her democratic rights in the fight against an oppressive government. After years of incarceration, they offered to release her if she would just stop making trouble. She politely declined and remained in prison, turning the tables on them without even escaping her physical shackles. Eventually, they were forced to release her and let her do as she pleased. She came out and warned her supporters against violence. She won the Nobel Peace Prize. Sound familiar? She’s definitely reading the same Gandhian playbook that MLK and our great troublemaker did.
Bono playing the activist with Suu Kyi

Bono playing the ass with himself

Bono playing the saint with the world

BONO: If Bob Marley was white, he would be Bono. And this is hard to admit but Bono has several advantages over Bob. The Wailers broke up, but U2 stuck together. Bob had a weakness for women where Bono just has a little weight issue and that’s mostly under control. And like Gandhi, Bob did not have internet access. Bono, however, owns entire portions of the internet and…okay, okay, I’m exaggerating….but only in-keeping with Bono’s own assertion of a rock star’s right to be ridiculous. Some black people are a little resentful of a white man putting himself out for Africa so much. As for me? I know Bono. He ain’t white. He’s Irish.
Oprah kissing up to Bono
     (Who else could she kiss up to? Obama? She promoted him.)
Do I really need to write a caption for this one?

OPRAH: The Virgin Mary of Billionaires. She has cultivated her image as the richest non-materialistic person in the world and taught other people with sick amounts of money that it’s cheaper to give the money away than to live a life hated by people who have been robbed of their fair shot in life (or blew their shot). She also turned the Black Mammy stereotype on its head. In the past, Black Mammies were owned by their white surrogate children. Oprah however, owns the minds of almost every responsible white woman in North America. That’s a lot, a lot of non-violent power.
Buffet, Winfrey and Gates: Leaving Carnegie, Rockefeller and Morgan in the shade since 2007.


WARREN BUFFET/BILL GATES: In the great rivalries of history, the winner is never who you'd expect. Michael Jackson vs Prince: Michael was tops for a long time but Prince won in the end. Bill Gates vs Steve Jobs? Apple is cooler than Microsoft, but when Bill Gates decided to give billions to save the world or whatever, he totally escaped Jobs’ gravity. As for Buffet, who can hate a man who makes other billionaires look bad. When he talks, you understand why he’s a billionaire. When he decided to give away 90-nuff percent of his billions, he changed the game. He made the redistribution of wealth cool again.

DESMOND TUTU: Obviously.
Finally, a Pope who understands the Gospel According to Jesus

Lord, protect that crazy Pope. I suspect they're going to do something with him.

POPE FRANCIS: Either he’s the coolest Pope ever or he’s the Anti-Christ. One way or the other he’s going to eclipse JP2. Now Rastas aren’t supposed to be caught complimenting Popes, so let’s just stop here. Suffice it to say I am trying not to like this guy. And I am losing.
Peacemaking was never so controversial...
ROUHANI (Iranian President): The man has potential. Because of where he’s coming from, he could change things more dramatically than anyone on this list. If he plays his cards right, he has a Nobel Peace Prize in his future. And then, there’s that little matter of turning Shi’a Islam from the reactionary monster it has become back into the happy, dancing group of Muslims who can kick your ass if you force them to. (History shows that Shi’a Islam is, in fact, more of a party than a prayer meeting or a suicide mission.)

Bringing sexy back since 1992...

BILL CLINTON: The world’s sexiest missionary for peace and prosperity. As the last world leader to strike the perfect balance between market freedom and social conscience, Clinton has turned post-politics into a career like no one before him. More than anyone else he is achieving the Mandelian goal of making ALL his enemies heel. Now you might think it ironic that a man who is such a big flirt would make a list like this. But ask female reporters around the world about Mandela…biggest flirt ever. A raging heterosexual.

How much more can a good man take?

CARTER: Courage under fire. Carter is one of the few people who unfailingly risks hiss entire reputation to do what must be done when no one else will do it. He was vilified in the wake of his disastrous presidency and remains a the butt of Republican jokes to this day. But while some of the jokes are funny, history has already absolved this one.
Punk Band Pussy Riot is the FLOGG BLOG of Russia
(Thank you, Kenny, for not being such a Putin.)

PUSSY RIOT: Yeah, really, Jason? Pussy Riot? No. But maybe. I mean, they’re just some punk band, right? But when Putin released Kourdoukovsky, the billionaire headed straight for Germany, applied for his Swiss visa and has kept his head down during interviews. The Pussy Riot girls, on the other hand, came out of prison with pumped fists and the promise that they were going to give Putin more hell than ever before. Rappers often say that “Bitches be crazy!” In this case, not only is it true, it is a very good thing.




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