SPECIAL EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS
ARTICLE IS WRITTEN IN THE STYLE OF RICK WAYNE. IF YOU JUST WANT THE RELEVANT
FACTS, READ THE FIRST FEW PARAGRAPHS AND THE LAST THREE. IF YOU HAVE TIME TO
WASTE, READ EVERYTHING UNTIL YOU GET BORED AND THEN READ THE LAST THREE
PARAGRAPHS. AND DON’T LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT THE HEADLINE SAYS BECAUSE THAT WAS
JUST AN ATTENTION GETTER. SUCKERS! YOU FALL FOR IT EVERYTIME….
It’s the only way to answer the
obsession that the once venerable journalist allows to afflict him.
Everyone knows that in the 60s
and 70s, Rick was hot for Compton. He would settle for nothing more than having
Compton’s attention all the time. The fact that Compton was rather obsessed
with the more dangerous and charismatic bad boy George Odlum must have prickled
him.
Rick’s unending obsession with
Compton only came to an end when he fell in love with Kenny Anthony in the late
1990s. But, of course, Kenny was not just betrothed, but married to the Labour
Party and Rick found out that he was just a jabal.
Since their first falling out
Wayne has obsessed about everything Kenny, from his wife’s spiritual
inclinations to the guard hut out in his driveway. Is she a witch? Why does
Kenny need special protection? And you ever notice that Kenny always has a
moustache? What’s he hiding under that facial hair? He’s hiding something, I tell
you. He’s devious! And moustachioed.
For his entire journalistic
career, he has been haunted by some very provocative, homoerotic photos in
which he modeled with the likes of Arnold Schwarzenneger. He would be the first
to say that appreciation of the human form is not gay, not even always sexual
at all. And that’s true. Plus, it was the 70s. Everyone did stuff they later
regretted. I know. I was born in the 70s. I should never have done that.
No pants. Thongs maybe.... |
But anyone who has seen the
photos will agree:
Those
Photos
Were
Gay.
Fast forward to the mid-2000s and
the murder of drum legend Athanasius Laborde. Laborde’s last profile pic on
facebook was a portrait of nothing his black ass poking out of the
Meditarranean Sea, while he was tour in Italy with Derek and them.
It was the most subtle and poetic
way he could think of to tell the world what to do with him.
Who say I gay? Oh, Rick? Well that makes sense... |
That tour was the only time I
ever got to live with Laborde up close and personal. I actually ended up being
his supplier because I knew some guys but he didn’t want to deal with their
fagget bullshit. He tried to pay me profit, but I’d just buy more smoke for
him. I’m a smoker, I ain no drug dealer.
Laborde had great times with an
assorted variety of Italian pollastrellas and later some Spanish and Portuguese
ones. Not that there weren’t maricones available if he was interested. They
kept him happy, occupied and sane in Italy, where he couldn’t get enough good
weed, just hash, hash, hash.
“Kiss my black ass!” he told the
world, in that facebook profile pic. Raphaela, the costume designer took the
pic. She reportedly also took quite a bit of something else that rhymes with
pic. She didn’t really like him at first, but she seemed rather enamored by the
time we were ready to leave.
“This guy’s gay,” the great,
liberal anti-hypocrite concluded after deeply contemplating the matter for a
whole six seconds.
“No, he’s not,” everyone who knew
Laborde replied. “We would have known. It’s the arts. The gays don’t have to
hide when they’re among us. In fact, that’s where the smart ones come for
shelter.”
Now that he’s not able to be
locked up, we can say with great authority, Laborde had very specific sexual
preferences. He wasn’t just heterosexual. He was more specific and yet, more
expansive than that limited term, hetero. Laborde was bigger than hetero. He
had a wide variety of very specific preferences. Namely, he was into jailbait,
old women, middle-aged women, poor women and rich women, white, Asian and black
women. Also, Latinas and Pygmy women, Bush women, Eskimo women, Mongol women,
Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon and Homo Erectus women. Oh, and ugly women. Yeah,
Laborde was one of those enlightened gentlemen who knew the inner beauty of an
ugly chick. Her deep, moist inner beauty.
Having sex with some of these
women mentioned above is of course illegal and jailable. In typical fashion,
Laborde spent his whole life telling the law to kiss his black, ephebophile ass.
How much young t’ings and a big fat joint in his hand. Compre was a playground
for his libido. It’s a wonder he didn’t get caught. I judged him harshly for
that. But I was boy jealous of men who could get what I wanted.
Laborde was a lot of crazy shit
and a few very bad things. He was a bluffer. A scamp, if not a scammer. He was
a terrible paymaster. And he was not a hard worker. Labor was not for Laborde. He
made sure he was the best drummer anyone knew personally so that he could play
for a living and instead of work. In some circles, that counts as lazy. And
punctual? Don’t talk about punctual because Laborde wasn’t it.
But Laborde was not, repeat NOT,
into fellas. Not for anything but
playing drums and smoking weed. If you, as man, didn’t have weed and were not
playing or paying for music, Laborde had no fucking use for you. That’s a true,
unexaggerated fact.
Boots, las gwiyen. They go say you gay too... |
Awa! Rick based his mind the man
exhibited latent homosexual tendencies, at the very least, because he wasn’t
just telling the world to kiss his black ass on facebook, he was literally
advertising black ass for lurkers, bullers, jockers and cock-knockers. And so
was born an aborted legend, one that no one would buy, much less let live.
In the end, it seems Rick’s
conclusion about Laborde’s ‘secret sexuality’ and it’s connection to his murder
may have said more about the teller of the tale and his fantasy life than about
anyone.
Which brings us back to his
obsession with the former leader of the opposition.
Is Rick just gay for Kenny?
How else to explain that 90 out
of 100 of his articles have something to do with Kenny? How else to explain to
explain a hate so strong and long lasting? It had to be love. Love gone bad.
What do you think, Laborde? Is
Rick a top or a bottom? Or one of those naughty ones who likes it all six ways?
Obviously, he likes them light-skinned, but there’s no other accounting for
taste is there? I’m from Compton to Kenny? Those two types have nothing in
common but shabinesse.
No, Laborde, seriously. Stop
laughing. I’m trying to analyze this thing.
(By the way, Mr Learie, did I
just call you a faghole? Lemme check….nope. No, I didn’t. Thanks for
teaching
me how to do that. I would never have thought of shit like that by myself. I
was so naïve…til I met you….xoxoxox.lol.snark!)
The rating is: MLA...Mature Lucian Audiences.
ReplyDeleteUnlike TV ratings it's not a physical age thing but rather mental maturity.
Humorous yes, but at the core of it, it seeks to answer the question: what drives one's obsession?
Clever writing...in the style of Rick as well. Is it me or does Rick rhyme with another word...hmmm
:)
ReplyDeleteEssiay garcon Cuales, you worse than me man?
ReplyDelete