GOD, LIONS & BUTT PLUGS (THE MOST OFFENSIVE ARTICLE YOU EVER LOVED)

“This article is the best thing that Derek Walcott never  wrote.” – Prof. Pat Fig, Bouton University

“I was offended, entertained and enlightened, all at the same time. A marvelous feat of literary honesty and intellectual tomfoolery.” Sheep (Imaginary Dog and Media  Consultant)

“I found myself laughing at the clever Christian rhetoric and I’m thinking, ‘Wait, Christians and conservatives aren’t supposed to be funny. But this is really funny. Maybe it’s a backslider….” – Ed Fatboy, former preacher, insurance salesman, investment broker, real estate agent, all bad things you can think of he’s done it.

“It’s genius. By the end of the first paragraph, everyone who is not an atheist is offended. Then the writer proceeds to break the remainder of the audience down into smaller groups that are more  easy to offend. No one is safe. Except straight people.” – Ras Ayatollah Ganja St Marie, social and political commentator, song writer and failed terrorist.

INTRODUCTION

In response to The FLOGG’s recent articles GAYS & THEFLOGGING BIBLE and HOMOPHOBES: WHAT A BUNCH OF FAGS, readers have  challenged The FLOGG in box with creative and original reasonings on the puzzle of gays and lesbians, with a few bis and trannies thrown in.

Some interesting notions have come up. One is that gays are a piece of the puzzle God wants us to put together, but to complete the puzzle, we have to throw away all the rules except the Ten Commandments and then add Love Thy Neighbour for good measure.

Another is that gays, like white people and people with learning disabilities expose dysfunctions in the genetic code. For real. An otherwise intelligent person said that. (I’m not saying that’s racist, but that shit is racist, bro…)

One response eclipsed them all, not only because it marries good sense with Christian conservative values (a rare combination, nowadays, as most Christians view good sense as a tool of the Devil), but because it was eloquent, sophisticated and so fucking offensive that it requires an introduction and a warning.

Without further ado:

WARNING: No matter where you stand on issues of morality, God, sexuality and good policy, THIS ARTICLE WILL PROBABLY OFFEND YOU. You have been duly informed of the danger of proceeding.

Open Season: God, Lions and Butt Plugs

By Lionne S (trademark and copyright, all rights reserved. No reposting, without author’s permission.)

Finally, something that will offend everyone. You know how we say it’s open season, well these days it actually is. Anything goes and you can do anyone-really. Now for those of us who believe in the existence of  a God deity, have a seat.  For those who don’t believe in a higher power , there’s still room for you at the table.  Like I said open season; everyone can get equally offended. ‘Do you know why you're here? Shall I tell you why we brought you here? To cure you. To make you sane.'
(George Orwell, "1984")

Whether you agree for practical and procreating reasons straight sex works. It comes with all the necessary elements(no add ons required). A man’s penis and  a women’s vagina works. Even little Timmy in kindergarten can put a round ball in a round whole. Think about it men do not have any gaping holes on the body designed for intake, it’s all for outtakes. Really. Women on the other hand are designed to receive and whether by luck or by chance men come with the exact implement necessary to do the job.   

Fruits and veggies in inter-racial salad

A penis is a marvelous invention. It  is self inflating, it literally boots itself up, serves its purpose and it decommissions itself. We cannot even invent a rocket to do that, we need an entire team in a tower named Houston to get one rocket off the ground. All it takes for a man is one glimpse from the right female and Houston we have lift off. If we had invented it we would have thought it was a nifty invention.

But we didn’t. So we are not impressed.

Straight sex is the only thing you can have any where anytime in a small space standing up lying down, squished together-whatever -it works. It has the added bonus of being the sole means of replenishing this planet’s human resources. 

Not bad for something that involves, panting, screaming and the exchange of bodily fluids. Messy but it gets the job done, every time.  It does however suggest a lack of creativity- no offense to God but one way to do one thing forever. I must admit I am a little disappointed. But He had been hard at work for days making black holes and stuff-meh,so I’ll let it go. But for someone called THE CREATOR ….I’m just saying.

A bit uncomfortable?

Now let’s take a look at the other options, available in this enlighted age (and I don’t use the word lightly.)  For two women this is a complicated process. Because neither comes with the requisite apparatus.  As a result it demands more skill more tact and more aids.

Lesbians having hot, sweet handicapped sex

Lesbianism should be called a disability because you cannot perform without assistance. They really should get the closest parking spaces at the mall. After strapping on various items and making sure batteries are charged etc they can get going. A lot of it is ad lib; hey they figure it out as they go. Two O’s trying to get alongside each other. It’s just not very efficient. If this is all evolution could produce, it would be a severe disappointment. To suggest that an all knowing God deity designed this is an insult in the least and blasphemy in the extreme. A 7 year old, with a science project could come with something simpler. And in terms of providing any other use besides satisfaction, they get zero points for replenishing the planet. What they want is some poor guy’s sperm (dipping into the forbidden pond aye) to procreate. So Lesbians basically need tools and aids to have sex and men’s sperms to have babies. Yeah very efficient -indeed.

Getting warmer?

And for gays, the problem is three fold. No holes but 2 poles. Hmm once again there is the need to think outside of the box. So the creative solution is to use something for intake that was only intended for outtakes. We will refrain from any explanations. Suffice to say a great deal of pain is involved at first, as with any thing you are conditioning or retraining to do what it was not intended to.After  a lifetime of this alternate lifestyle the body itself rebels.  Later on various types of medical magic(which I will not mention here) is necessary to keep the body part functioning for the purpose it was originally intended. Ouch. It’s funny how we don’t think to change the use of any other body parts; like using the ears to eat and the eyes to smell. That would just be plain stupid right, so go figure. Not to judge in this one instance we make an exception. So gay guys basically need to circumvent the body to put ingoing mail into slots that were meant strictly for outgoing mail. And in terms of the replenishing the planet argument these are completely inadequate, carrying the spade and digging a hole does not a baby make?

And he well smiling on that!

 

So if we just do a cost needs analysis of a) STRAIGHT  b)LESBIANS c)GAYS on the practicality, usefulness and efficiency scale, a)  wins outright. But as nothing is ever judged fairly we will forgo judging, settle for  the idea that all is permissible once it is not harmful.  Like I said earlier, open season. We defer to a third unbiased party, albeit a  lesser species to draw a conclusion.

Animals. Lions mate with Lionesses we presume its enjoyable although we cannot measure , but we can confirm its efficient. It works produces baby lion cubs, who will grow up to reproduce in the selfsame way they were conceived. Everything fits no aids no tools no need for butt plugs later on in life. Who would have thought. In this my friend the Animals could teach us a thing or two.

Offended yet? I surely hope so.