IF I WAS PIF

Once upon a time, the great king Alexander, on his way to kick some Persian butt, made a detour so that he could peak with the great mendicant philopher Diogenes. He found Diogenes living in an upturned vase with barely any clothes or food, but after a brief discourse with him concluded: "Wa, dreadie, if I wasn't Alexander, I woulda really like to be Diogenes." Diogenes replied, "Well, boy, if I wasn't Diogenes, I would really like to be Diogenes, too."

 

 

 

I have been Diogenes for too long. I think I have a new hero. And he is the be all end all of all things successful. His name is PiF and he is a winner.

If I was PiF, I would be a money-making, power brokering, other men’s wives taking, MC swilling, BMW hybrid driving, gadget collecting, watch-craving, expensive pen stealing, love machine.

I would be the most dirtiest of the dirty, playing everyone, making prime ministers and powerful senators think I am loyal to their cause when secretly, I’m bending them over the counter. Hold the Vaseline.

I would allow Leo Clarke think he was the best thing since hot cheese or bubble gum in fact, I am the real cheese.

But lucky for everyone I am not PiF. Only PiF is. And lucky for us, he is a man of far greater character than me.

And this is not just an ePiFany.

He would never accept, much less seek government work while he was serving as Speaker. He would never use his position in a way that even raises an eyebrow.

And most importantly of all, he would never destroy another man’s family of entertainment purposes only.

If I was PiF, I would make quite a mess and look good doing it. Praise Jah, only PiF is PiF. And PiF is a man of great integrity and honor who would never sully his good name, his family, and other men’s wives and families to the public shame that I would, if I were in his position.

Lucky for us, PiF would never be seen using his stature and privilege for undignified profiteering and the slut-mongering of otherwise honorable and admirable women, as I surely would, because of my craven greed, egotism and hypocrisy.

Lucky for us, PiF is exactly what he looks like and not a scheming, self-obsessed, blood-sucking pirate like me.

And that is why he is PiF and we are just mere mortal licking at his heels, writing checks of tribute and hoping that it will be our good fortune and privilege to be his playthings.