LABOUR AND
FLAMBEAU MERGE TO FORM THE MOST LOSEREST POLITICAL PARTY EVER
FLAYBOUR RULES
“Here comes
another one, just like Suzy
Suzy, Suzy,
Suzy, all the way down….
Santami Sezi,
Santami Sezi , Santami Sezi
All the way
down…”
There is a
new political party in town. It’s called Flabour. And it is going to screw you
no matter what the outcome of elections are. Okay, that’s a joke.
But, SERIOULSY St
Lucian social scientists and political analysts have recently discovered that
the United Workers Party and the St Lucia Labour Party are made of the exact
same substance.
They are the same species.
ALARMING
DISCOVERY: BOTH UWP & LABOUR DESCENDED FROM SNAKES NOT APES
“It was an
alarming discovery,” said Dr Herelle Cornelius of the Institute for St Lucian
Enlightenment Research Intelligence Organization Understanding and Socially
Liberal Youth, also known as SERIOUSLY. “For decades, we have assumed that the
political life form conceived on the beach by John Compton and his buddies was
a very different species from the one the emerged from the ocean of G F L
Charles’ Organizing Committee. But modern techniques have given us new and
valuable insights which have led us to the inexorable conclusion that Flambeau
and Labour are, in fact, the same species.”
Professor
Thomas Peter, one of the founders and leaders of SERIOUSLY, recently published
a widely read thesis which showed that while Labour and Flambeau have seemed to
be rivals for power, they were, in fact, more like a common species of predator
hunting down a common species of prey, learning from each other’s techniques
and advancing their species at the expense of all others.
Charles
Henry is Chancellor of historical, social and political studies at the
Institute: “There are several schools of thought as to the evolution of this ‘new’
species. Many of the younger scientists think the two species were always this
way. However, among the more experienced, we are looking at the archeology of
St Lucian politics to see if perhaps, at some point the Labour species became
more like the Flambeau, because to tell you the truth, the evidence is that
Flambeau hasn’t changed.”
Henry,
popularly known as Charlo, thinks that so far, the research shows that the
Labour species of the St Lucian political animal went through dramatic
changes since coming into government in 1997.
HOW HUBRIS
CHANGED THEIR DNA
“Being in
power leaves the political animal especially prone to a disease called Hubris,”
Charlo explained. “We have more than enough historical evidence to show that
hubris, is left unchecked, can actually change the DNA of a political animal. There
is no other disease that can do that. It is as though a parasite takes over the
host so completely that all that is left of the Kenny Anthony you started with
is a shell. Did I say Kenny Anthony? That was a slip. Which only makes it more
true. But the point is that it wasn’t intentional.”
It is an
unusual situation, where political scientists are only now discovering a species they
thought they always knew.
“It’s like
finding out that cats and dogs are all really bats,” said Sayson Jieflay, an associate apprentice at the SERIOUSLY
Institute, in one of the most baffling and yet, spot on analyses of the
situation. “It’s like being a child of divorced abusive parents and then
finding out your father is your mother’s brother.”
Scientists
are warning those who interact with political animals frequently to adjust
their behavior accordingly as one can no longer be assured that Labours will not act exactly like Flambeaus.
“Also,”
added Chancellor Charlo, “don’t alert them to them to fact that you know they are the
same species. Political animals are a lesser developed form of homo sapien and
we cannot force them to develop in unnatural ways. Plus, if they find out we know there
is no difference between them, they might join up and then, we’re really
fucked.”
IN RELATED
NEWS: THEY KNOW....WE’RE SCREWED
The
political leaders of St Lucia’s two opposing political parties have recently
announced that they might, in fact, be the same person.
"We couldn't help but notice that both of are descendants of slave owners, both of us are terrible at the truth and neither of us has any real empathy for people," said a joint statement. "It also occurred to us that we are never in the same place at the same time. It now occurs to us that we are in fact exactly the same person."
The announcement from
Kenny Anthony and Allen Chastanet comes on the heels of recent discoveries by
political scientists that while Labour and Flambeau may have started as
different species, in this this day and age, they are the exact same fucking
thing.
“There used
to be a time when Labour and Flambeau was at least as different as Jean and
Dinah,” said a recently released report by the SERIOUSLY Institute, an
imaginary St Lucian think tank. “But over the last two decades, every time some
new blood promises change for the better, it has been fools’ gold. Politicians
are all just Suzies and they’re going to take you ‘all the way down.’ We can
now confirm this, empirically.”
In a surprising
move this week, leaders of the SLP and the UWP joined hands, sang Kumbaya,
kissed passionately and compared penis size,
as lawyers finally closed the deal on a major that will create a one
party state in St Lucia.
“The truth
is that St Lucia has been a one party state for a long time,” explained Prime
Minister Dr Kenny Anthony. “Neither party has any ideology that cannot be
totally subverted by power hunger and greed. Neither has any real commitment to
the people. And neither has a fucking clue what to do about the situation we’re
in.”
“I agree,”
said Allen Chastanet. “”Both Kenny and I could see that neither one of our party
really had what it takes to win the next election. So we decided that maybe if
we put two losers together, we might be able to get at least half a winner.”
If that
sounds like putting Kenny Anthony and Allen Chastanet together to get half a
Neg Marron, then you might be better off with a Du Boulay, at least two of whom
are card carrying Neg Marrons, eugenic challenges notwithstanding. (That means
them two white, but each one blacker than Kenny and Ti Chas put together. Which
is my expression of abject disappointment turning into unreasonable racist
pawol jettay. Moving on…)
Anthony and
Chastanet have both cited their increased distance and divorce from the lives
of what they called ‘ordinary people’, their personal susceptibility to being
bullshitted by people with more money than them and the fact that neither of
them ever really gave a shit in the first place as some primary reasons for the
merger of Flambeau and Labour.
“I’m tired
of pretending I really give a fuck about these people,” Dr Anthony said. “I
have to be real with myself. Deep down inside, I don’t give a fuck.”
“I never had
that problem,” Chastanet chimed in. “I was born and bred to not give a fuck.
Actually, the family motto of the Chastanets is actually, ‘I’M SORRY, WE HAVE
NO FUCKS TO GIVE.’”
“Sounds
familiar,” said Kenny.
“That’s cos
you’re a Barnard,” winked Chastanet.
The two
leaders are now confident that their new party will win a landslide election,
making a clean sweep of all the seats, whether or not Lucians get off their ass
to vote. In the midst of economic downturn, stifling expenditure cuts and
increased government wastage, the two leaders are now engaged in intense
dialogue about whether to call the new party LAY-BEAU OR FLAY-BOUR.
Unconfirmed
reports coming into the FLOGG say that John Compton, George F L Charles and
George Odlum have all slit their wrists and taken an overdose of sleeping
pills, in spite of already being dead.
So the mice met and agreed there was a problem. They even proposed a solution. The question was now: "Who will bell the cat?"
ReplyDeleteAnd one of the mice was like, "Forget the cat. Let's figure out how to build a real nation instead of a rat's nest. After that, cats will be much less of a problem.
DeleteLab-flam (same old khaki pants) - "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies"
ReplyDeleteGroucho Marx
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteWa! That's a great quote. We should talk more often. Where can we meet? Lol...
Delete