THE ‘HAIR LEADS TO CHAOS’ THEORY WINS
The Length of A Man’s Hair Can Have A Negative Impact On All Society
Two Mondays ago his mother drove up to the school, waited during assembly while Principal Rowan Seon led the young Samarians in two rousing renditions of St Mary’s ‘national anthem’ and then confronted the Principal…in order to concede to him.
If the mother has conceded, what choice have I?? To be fair, she is a troublesome Negress, intent on pursuing the matter in the courts, while her son, ironically concedes to the contentious rule. The rule itself is has been found to be, not a traditional part of St Mary’s College but a recent amendment, writted by Seon, himself, to say ‘cut and covered’ just a few years ago. So after standing up on principle against a rule that Seon pulled out of his butt, she has now commanded her son to obey the butt rule while she continues to rail against the Babylon System or whatever.
The FLOGG meanwhile is under no illusions about this outcome. It’s time to eat some humble pie and admit that we were wrong. After vilifying Seon for proposing that allowing long, uncovered hair in class, proper research has shown that the length of a man’s hair can and does have terrible or positive effects on social order and progress. Now The FLOGG, in the interest of fairness must concede that the length of the hair of male member of the human species actually does seem to be one of the bulwarks of security against chaos, anarchy and the total breakdown of civilization.
From both a Biblical and a historical stand point, one clearly see how the length of men’s hair contributed to the increase/decrease of order and progress.
In the books of Leviticus and Deuteronomy, there are strict commands against the trimming of the hair on one’s head and the hair on one’s face. The goal of these commands is twofold. For one, the facial hair protects a man’s skin from the brutal Mediterranean heat. It seems counter-intuitive, because one might think to get rid of all hair to beat the heat. But that, of course, only leads to more exposure to direct sunlight. And two, God just wanted symbolic ways of differentiating His people from the damned bald headed, shaven faced heathen and infidel who surrounded them. There other ways to do that, but you didn’t want to ask everyone to see their foreskin to prove they were God’s chosen. It just seemed wrong.
Later, in Jonah, three prophets who went to Nineveh to warn the people against their wicked ways were shaven bald, both their heads and their faces. They refused to return home until their hair and beards had grown back to ‘cover their shame.’
As we can see, historically among God’s good and moral people, there is high value placed on not cutting and shaving down for vain purposes.
Then along came the Greeks and the Romans with their incest and their orgies, their unrepentant bulling, warmongering, stolen math, pilfered philosophy, pirated physics, orgies, bacchanals, nastiness, urban plagues and, of course, short hair. Nicely cut short hair and shaven faces, even on old men, who should know better. Sick old catamites.
The Greeks and Romans ushered in a new era of urban saloptay in the world, which led to great technological advances that were immediately seized upon by short haired profiteers to subjugate and oppress – first their own and then, once well practiced, spreading outward in the world as far as they could, bringing promiscuity, materialism and bad government to all the nations of the world.
The Enlightment of the 17th and 18th century seemed to bring back long haired sanity to civilization, ushering a new age of reason and logic, with an entire country, America, founded on the most reasonable principles of electoral democracy by mostly long haired founding fathers. (Those who didn’t have long hair had the decency to wear wigs in good company.) But that didn’t last long. By the 20th century, short haired industrialists had crushed the small independent landowners, short haired communists had infiltrated the unions and shaven faced men were, for the first time in history, holding the highest office, the Presidency of the United States of America. From thenceforth, history has been unfolding like the goddam Armageddon on repeat mode.
All of this, of course, culminated in Nazi Germany, the most orderly and un-chaotic of all short haired cultures of the Earth. And we all know how marvelously that went. Legions of well-disciplined, short haired men and boys were mobilized to violence against the Yiddish Jews of Europe, the last remaining genetic connection that the white man had to Jesus Christ, himself. And it would have worked too, if not for those pesky Russians.
As colonialism turned into neo-colonialism, only the peoples with culture of long haired had the wherewithal to withstand the onslaught of short haired insanity: The Masai, the Japanese, The Han Chinese, Hindus, the Sherpa and of course, the very resilient Mohammetans of all races. Long hairs like certain Native Americans preferred to go to the brink of extinction than collaborate with the short hair conspiracy to conquer and then waste the entire Earth and its resources.
Once the now shorthaired Americans bombed the Samurai out of existence, once Mao cut Marx’s hair and beard in China, once Stalin shaved Lenin’s beard and kept only his moustache, it was over. The world was on a one way track to hell, with a comb, a pair of scissors and a razor in hand.
The brief Renaissances of the 1960s and early 90s were easily co-opted. Culture, philosophy, art and slutty girls who give it away for free were crushed beneath the reactionary avalanches of conservative short-hairs – with their capital punishment, closet homosexuality and relentless political and financial corruptions.
All the while, the world evolves into a more chaotic and warlike place. All because short haired men have disproportionate power.
The results? Short haired priests pedophiling. Short haired lawyers, cops and Customs officers being corrupted by cocaine. Short haired politicians leading us down streets paved with debt to a place that could only be hell. Short haired weapons dealers preying on global insecurity. Short haired bankers and insurance agents scamming the entire world into bullshit investments. What more evidence do I require that I was wrong? I WAS WRONG!
Seon was right. The length of a man’s hair has everything to do with order and chaos in society.
History has spoken. You can’t deny history. Well, maybe you can. After all, you pray to a homeless, long haired hippie but look down on people who live exactly like him.