Wednesday, 11 September 2013

10 REASONS WHY KENNY ANTHONY IS STILL BETTER THAN ALLEN CHASTANET


OMG! What a damned mess Kenny Anthony is. After he’s useless on the domestic and economic front, he’s doing everything wrong in foreign relations, dragging St Lucians down into an Iranian mess just to get some hire purchase oil. And on top of that, he lets himself look like what happened if an albino frog raped a baby whale and made a baby that didn’t get enough sun as a child.

Can you believe a good looking man like that has himself in such a state? The disappointment in Labour supporters in Kenny Anthony and his new government’s failure to ground themselves with the people, take advantage of Taiwanese largess and use ALBA as leverage to make stronger, more beneficial new ties with America have cast him as a sort of weird austistic genius prime minister who can say everything right and then do everything wrong, leaving a trail of broken plates and poop behind him.

But while Kenny continues his weird autistic rampage, the new contender for the St Lucia Political Heavyweight Championship Belt is giving voters every reasonable reason to take a second look at Kenny and appreciate his finer points. Sure Kenny might be ruining everything, but Chastanet would ruin everything too and at least Kenny is ruining things in an orderly, organized, systematic way.

Here now are the top ten reasons why Kenny is still better than Chastanet.

1.       His phone bill is lower. Waaaaay lower. Allen Chastanet’s monthly phone bill as minister of tourism was enough for two and a half average St Lucians for a year. Kenny Anthony’s monthly phone bill would barely keep a family of four out of poverty for a month. This is not a joke. Stop laughing.

2.       In spite of curly hair, he can still grow an afro. In fact, he did. Back in the 70s, John Compton was really kinda messing around and George Odlum and some other communists were riling up the country around a new political consciousness. Kenny didn’t just walk the walk and talk the talk, he grew the damned afro. The only place you will ever see Allen Chastanet grow an afro is in his worst nightmares.

3.     Kenny does not need coaching to say, “En Rouge!” without people laughing at him. Seriously, though: Does a leader of St Lucia really need to be fluent in kweyol to run the country properly? Is being bi-lingual really a bona fide criteria for leadership? Is this some kind of joke? The answer to all of these questions is yes. You cannot tell people that you grew up on a bi-lingual country, worked there for decades and you’re still not bi-lingual. In fact, you talk the Queen’s English with a North American accent. After all! You don’t see something is wrong with you? I diagnose this as V.S.Naipaul complex, except without the attendant propensity for genius. Finally, if you can't see that any self-respecting St Lucian politician must be fluent in kweyol, the joke is on you.
I don't always speak kweyol, but when I do, I do it with a Canadian accent....


4.     Kenny was born in St Lucia. For sure. Which is no great feat. Thousands of people get born in St Lucia every year. So what’s the big deal? Try to run for federal office in America and they will explain it to you. Basically, you can’t have someone who is pledges allegiance to another country running your stuff. You might as well just outsource the government to China. Now I know some of you are saying, “What about Compton? He wasn’t born here?” True. But Compton wasn’t born anywhere. So when we say he’s ours, there is no one in the immigration department of another country sniggering at our stupidity.

5.     Kenny’s not afraid to show us his actually grades at university. Wouldn’t that be interesting? When you try to get a job, you have to show them your grades right? I know Kenny Anthony’s grades at university. Everybody does. They’re not just on record, they’re in the record books. I want to see Allen Chastanet’s grades. Otherwise, there is no chance I’m even thinking about hiring that guy.
Prof. Allen Chastanet, B.S. Economics, PhD Footinmouthery


6.     Okay, neither Kenny or Ti Chas looks like they're going bald, so the traditional war for hair supremacy must be fought not tete a tete but cheek to cheek. And on the facial hair front, it's almost a tie. But the Prime Minister comes out on top, because of Chastanet's failure to utilize his strengths. Kenny wears a moustache better. But Chastanet is like a middle-aged super hero when he grows that beard out a little. Lucky for Kenny, TiChas is much too whitebread to let his outer gray or inner black show.

7.      Speaking of inner black, Kenny is not afraid or ashamed of his past. In fact, he embraces the African and Carib roots of his mother and was known to reject the bourgeois white boy privileges of his father’s historical plantation owning family (which means they were slave owners, for those of you can’t read into it.) Chastanet can cancel out the charisma of Kenny’s mom with his own black grandmother from Bacara, but he doesn’t have the guts for it. Even if he surrendered to the good sense of claiming his ‘blackness’ he couldn’t carry it honestly, because even more than many actual Euro-St Lucians, Allen Chastanet is a white boy. He is the whitest Lucian White Boy of all.

8.     Kenny has taken the bus. The current PM has taken public transport so often in his life that he can’t begin to count. It may sound stupid, but one of the most important criteria for a modern Caribbean leader is this: Has your leader taken the bus? Allen Chastanet has never taken the bus. Not in St Lucia. Probably not anywhere. He can’t begin to conceive of putting his children on a bus and sending them to school. His family hasn’t taken the bus since Michael “Super J” Chastanet was a ghetto yout’ by the Castries river, watching his mother bake bread for pennies.
Well, at least someone in the family remembers the sacrifices the old lady made.


9.      When Kenny is talking crap he does it in a way that makes you question his motives, doubt his genius and criticize the gap between his words and his actions. When Chastanet is talking crap, he does it in a way that makes you wonder if you just heard that right, if he knows what he just said and what fucking planet he is from.

10.   When Kenny is talking sense, he does it in a way that makes you wonder, “Where has this guy been for the past few months?”, wonder how much of what he said he will actually achieve and how long he can stay focused on governing before he gets distracted by electioneering and campaign fund raising. When Chastanet is talking sense….um….hold on….checking files…checking files…um….we regretfully apologize for any misleading statements we may have made casting aspersions of Mr Chastanet’s character. The records show that Mr Chastanet does not make sense, has never made sense and shows no sign of compromising or selling out to good sense and reason in the future. The FLOGG begs forgiveness for any inconvenience caused.

3 comments:

  1. i started reading the article thinking that it was good judging from the title but now i know what they say by, "don't judge a book by its cover."

    ReplyDelete