THIS POST IS ENTIRELY SATIRICAL AND NOT MEANT TO BE FACTUAL IN ANY WAY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
Who the cap fit...
Texting while driving. Crazy homeless fellas living under bridges. Transporting marijuana in a tough economic time.
These are the pressing issues that St Lucian cops are focused on even while they are under pressure from the US State Department to give up the bloodless killers in their midst. Over the last few weeks, the local cops have been out in full force, making their presence felt in communities and in the media, reminding everyone that in spite of the nasty allegations hanging over their heads, they are still the ass-kickers in chief and the biggest dicks in a 500 mile radius.
“People often accuse us of using excessive force to compensate for small penises and total ignorance of the law,” one high ranking officer told The FLOGG. “That is totally incorrect. Most cops have reasonably large penises although to be truthful, competitive alcoholism has deteriorated the quality of the stock if you know what I mean. As for ignorance of the law, we know the law like the back of our BONDIEUX! WHAT’S THAT ON MY KNUCKLES?”
The officer declined to comment on how he was so well acquainted with the penises of other policeman.
Meanwhile, marine police, often written off as some of the most corrupt of all police officers were busy harassing homeless man who lived under the Sans Souci bridge and making a big marijuana bust even as tons and tons of cocaine floated into the island right before their very eyes.
“We have to show people we have priorities,” said a leading marine unit cop. “Even though our priorities are totally wrong, it’s important that the nation sees us doing something, anything so that they stop thinking about that fact that we are basically the same as slave catchers from the days of slavery, when all poor people were basically considered the enemy.”
Homeless man living under bridge: Public Enemy #1
Sky was like, "No, wait, are they serious? Where is he going to go? They didn't think of that?"
Ironically, a photographer who was taking pictures of marine cops doing the wrong thing by the Sans Souci bridge was manhandled and his camera violently taken from him in front of witnesses, defeating the entire purpose of the exercise - being seen. Sigh.
“We was just playing garcon,” the cops grinned sheepishly afterwards, “Y’all kyah take a joke man?”
Meanwhile, both Lucians and American authorities continue to be unimpressed.
“But we in the Royal St Lucia Police Force have learnt over the years that you can’t please everybody. You don’t shoot the criminals, Jouk Bois is on your case. You shoot the criminals, Mary Francis is in your ass. So fuck that. We doing what we want. We’re public servants so nobody cannot fire us anyway. So Lucians better buck up and get with the program otherwise they’re going to get their asses kicked just for the lols. We’re so stressed these days that a little police brutality at the end of the working day is the only thing we have to relieve the stress.”