LABOUR AND FLAMBEAU MERGE TO FORM THE MOST LOSEREST POLITICAL PARTY EVER
“Here comes another one, just like Suzy
Suzy, Suzy, Suzy, all the way down….
Santami Sezi, Santami Sezi , Santami Sezi
All the way down…”
There is a new political party in town. It’s called Flabour. And it is going to screw you no matter what the outcome of elections are. Okay, that’s a joke.
But, SERIOULSY St Lucian social scientists and political analysts have recently discovered that the United Workers Party and the St Lucia Labour Party are made of the exact same substance.
They are the same species.
ALARMING DISCOVERY: BOTH UWP & LABOUR DESCENDED FROM SNAKES NOT APES
“It was an alarming discovery,” said Dr Herelle Cornelius of the Institute for St Lucian Enlightenment Research Intelligence Organization Understanding and Socially Liberal Youth, also known as SERIOUSLY. “For decades, we have assumed that the political life form conceived on the beach by John Compton and his buddies was a very different species from the one the emerged from the ocean of G F L Charles’ Organizing Committee. But modern techniques have given us new and valuable insights which have led us to the inexorable conclusion that Flambeau and Labour are, in fact, the same species.”
Professor Thomas Peter, one of the founders and leaders of SERIOUSLY, recently published a widely read thesis which showed that while Labour and Flambeau have seemed to be rivals for power, they were, in fact, more like a common species of predator hunting down a common species of prey, learning from each other’s techniques and advancing their species at the expense of all others.
Charles Henry is Chancellor of historical, social and political studies at the Institute: “There are several schools of thought as to the evolution of this ‘new’ species. Many of the younger scientists think the two species were always this way. However, among the more experienced, we are looking at the archeology of St Lucian politics to see if perhaps, at some point the Labour species became more like the Flambeau, because to tell you the truth, the evidence is that Flambeau hasn’t changed.”
Henry, popularly known as Charlo, thinks that so far, the research shows that the Labour species of the St Lucian political animal went through dramatic changes since coming into government in 1997.
HOW HUBRIS CHANGED THEIR DNA
“Being in power leaves the political animal especially prone to a disease called Hubris,” Charlo explained. “We have more than enough historical evidence to show that hubris, is left unchecked, can actually change the DNA of a political animal. There is no other disease that can do that. It is as though a parasite takes over the host so completely that all that is left of the Kenny Anthony you started with is a shell. Did I say Kenny Anthony? That was a slip. Which only makes it more true. But the point is that it wasn’t intentional.”
It is an unusual situation, where political scientists are only now discovering a species they thought they always knew.
“It’s like finding out that cats and dogs are all really bats,” said Sayson Jieflay, an associate apprentice at the SERIOUSLY Institute, in one of the most baffling and yet, spot on analyses of the situation. “It’s like being a child of divorced abusive parents and then finding out your father is your mother’s brother.”
Scientists are warning those who interact with political animals frequently to adjust their behavior accordingly as one can no longer be assured that Labours will not act exactly like Flambeaus.
“Also,” added Chancellor Charlo, “don’t alert them to them to fact that you know they are the same species. Political animals are a lesser developed form of homo sapien and we cannot force them to develop in unnatural ways. Plus, if they find out we know there is no difference between them, they might join up and then, we’re really fucked.”
IN RELATED NEWS: THEY KNOW....WE’RE SCREWED
The political leaders of St Lucia’s two opposing political parties have recently announced that they might, in fact, be the same person.
"We couldn't help but notice that both of are descendants of slave owners, both of us are terrible at the truth and neither of us has any real empathy for people," said a joint statement. "It also occurred to us that we are never in the same place at the same time. It now occurs to us that we are in fact exactly the same person."
The announcement from Kenny Anthony and Allen Chastanet comes on the heels of recent discoveries by political scientists that while Labour and Flambeau may have started as different species, in this this day and age, they are the exact same fucking thing.
“There used to be a time when Labour and Flambeau was at least as different as Jean and Dinah,” said a recently released report by the SERIOUSLY Institute, an imaginary St Lucian think tank. “But over the last two decades, every time some new blood promises change for the better, it has been fools’ gold. Politicians are all just Suzies and they’re going to take you ‘all the way down.’ We can now confirm this, empirically.”
In a surprising move this week, leaders of the SLP and the UWP joined hands, sang Kumbaya, kissed passionately and compared penis size, as lawyers finally closed the deal on a major that will create a one party state in St Lucia.
“The truth is that St Lucia has been a one party state for a long time,” explained Prime Minister Dr Kenny Anthony. “Neither party has any ideology that cannot be totally subverted by power hunger and greed. Neither has any real commitment to the people. And neither has a fucking clue what to do about the situation we’re in.”
“I agree,” said Allen Chastanet. “”Both Kenny and I could see that neither one of our party really had what it takes to win the next election. So we decided that maybe if we put two losers together, we might be able to get at least half a winner.”
If that sounds like putting Kenny Anthony and Allen Chastanet together to get half a Neg Marron, then you might be better off with a Du Boulay, at least two of whom are card carrying Neg Marrons, eugenic challenges notwithstanding. (That means them two white, but each one blacker than Kenny and Ti Chas put together. Which is my expression of abject disappointment turning into unreasonable racist pawol jettay. Moving on…)
Anthony and Chastanet have both cited their increased distance and divorce from the lives of what they called ‘ordinary people’, their personal susceptibility to being bullshitted by people with more money than them and the fact that neither of them ever really gave a shit in the first place as some primary reasons for the merger of Flambeau and Labour.
“I’m tired of pretending I really give a fuck about these people,” Dr Anthony said. “I have to be real with myself. Deep down inside, I don’t give a fuck.”
“I never had that problem,” Chastanet chimed in. “I was born and bred to not give a fuck. Actually, the family motto of the Chastanets is actually, ‘I’M SORRY, WE HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE.’”
“Sounds familiar,” said Kenny.
“That’s cos you’re a Barnard,” winked Chastanet.
The two leaders are now confident that their new party will win a landslide election, making a clean sweep of all the seats, whether or not Lucians get off their ass to vote. In the midst of economic downturn, stifling expenditure cuts and increased government wastage, the two leaders are now engaged in intense dialogue about whether to call the new party LAY-BEAU OR FLAY-BOUR.
Unconfirmed reports coming into the FLOGG say that John Compton, George F L Charles and George Odlum have all slit their wrists and taken an overdose of sleeping pills, in spite of already being dead.