Did you hear the one about the Member of Parliament who defended a statutory corporation in a case heard by a judge whose wife he was trying his hardest to bed?
No, for real. That happened just last week.
I’ve always been attracted by lawlessness. In literature, in art, in politics and technology, people easily give credit to the mavericks, when what really defines the greatness of the human race is the ability to transcend, what, at the time, looks like natural law.
Lawlessness. It’s the stuff that progress is made of.
The romanticism surrounding outlaws and mendicants persists, for me, except in the one field where I have most often met the lawless. The law fraternity.
They live in a cruel Machiavellian nightmare where people bleed money and survival is basically a balancing act between eating people’s flesh and drinking their blood. In this world, words don’t have meaning, like the blossoming of flowers or the rising of the sun. Words have uses. They are like grenades, or bullets – just clever ways to kill people professionally without all the personal acrimony that accompanied violence in the past.
It’s a beautiful place and it’s called the St Lucia justice system and I made a big mistake when I decided not to become one of them.
Here are the top seven reasons why I envy lawyers and why I want to be like the Number One Lawyer in St Lucia.
1 BECAUSE LAWYERS ARE ABOVE THE LAW: It’s a long standing tradition in St Lucia that lawyers can rip us off, break the rules and harm just about everyone in their path, as long as it is not another lawyer. The law fraternity is like a vampire mafia – they might be rivals, but they feed on the same blood – yours.
2 BECAUSE IT’S GOOD TO BE A QC: Lawyers would like us to think that achieving the status of Queen’s Counsel is a honor reserved for the most dignified and intelligent among them. However, anyone who knows a QC personally would attest that they are all, almost without exception, people who will pay to fuck you or make you pay to get fucked, either way, you’re fucked.
3 BECAUSE YOU CAN FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME: Despite what anyone says, humans are foolish. They want to be enslaved. They want to think there are better people than them out there who will take care of everything. Because of this, it is possible to make all of the people think that you are something good and special when in fact you are a bigger son of a bitch than anyone else.
4 THE SEX FACTOR: Being a QC is like being a money magnet. It is the most obvious benefit of the rank. But there are other perks as well. Men only talk about these things in their own little circles, so most people don’t know that being a QC is, in fact, a pussy magnet. For real. When you get to be QC, all manner of thighs…I mean, opportunities open for you. Subordinates and clerical staff is joke. Other men’s wives? No problem. Having said that, I want to specifically make an exception of the Hon. Peter Foster, who is not the kind of man who would bed another man’s wife and bring his house to public shame. The Hon. Peter Foster would never do such a thing. I’m talking, of course, about every other QC in history, except the Hon. Peter Foster.
5 BECAUSE YOU CAN GIVE CLEAR LEGAL JUSTIFICATION FOR EVERY FIREWALL YOU BREAK: You know, in the civilized right thinking world, a QC would never allow his honor to be stained by accepting government jobs while serving as Speaker of the House. It’s not that it is necessarily corrupt. It’s not just that it looks corrupt. Add some infidelities and it starts to look like a brother’s dick is bigger than his brain and his ego is bigger than both two together at the same simultaneous time. But in St Lucia, where we are happy, you can ride your Queen’s Counsel credentials to a high government position into anyone’s vagina…I mean, bank account.
6 UNNATURAL SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC FLEXIBILITY: I want to be able to rise up to the highest ranks of my profession, while smoking crack if I want to. I want to be able, not just to steal other men’s wives, but to break into houses and steal other men’s property. And while I’m doing this maji, I want the wider society to celebrate me and promote me and most of all, pay me exorbitant sums of money for my services.
7 TO EXERCISE NEW LEVELS OF SHAMELESSNESS: If I had the temerity, I would do all my saloptay even before I became QC. Smoke crack, break into people’s houses and all that. But then, how would I become Speaker? Hmm. Probably better not to smoke crack and ruin people’s families until after I become Speaker.